In my opinion (and this is my blog, so it’s about time I start stating my opinion), there are certain cardinal rules one must follow in a public restroom.
1.) If there is a row of empty stalls, do not, I repeat, do not take the one directly next to the only other person using the restroom at the time. Give a girl some room. It’s one thing if the place is busy, then all stalls are fair game. But if there are a dozen stalls and only one being used, don’t take the stall right next to it.
2.) Wash your hands. At home this rule might slide. I don’t care what you do in your home. But in public, I don’t want to think about touching the same door handle as you, or shaking your hand after you wiped your ass. ESPECIALLY at work. You work someplace long enough, and you’re a non-hand-washer, someone like me is going to figure it out when we’re in the bathroom together at some point. I’m so OCD about this rule that I actually make mental notes of who washes their hands and who doesn’t. Yeah, I know who you are. I can’t help it. It’s not like I want to take these mental notes. As a matter of fact, I shouldn’t have to because we’re all adults and we’ve all learned how to stay clean, avoid the spread of germs, etc. So, just wash your hands. Just do it. It takes 15 flippin’ seconds.
3.)If someone is takin’ a poop, don’t hang out in the bathroom and chat with your friends. You smell the smell, it’s time to walk outside. Which brings me to rule No. 4…
4.) To all my between-stall talking friends: Let’s continue the conversation after we do our business. However, when I’m drinking I habitually break this rule. OK, I’m re-designating this as a sober-only rule.
5.) Flush. For the love of God.